In Night And Ice (1912)

We tend to consider it poor taste now if a film about a real-world disaster follows too hard on the heels of the disaster itself, but such was evidently not the case in 1912, when the first fictional film about the sinking of the Titanic was released on the 16th of May, only 31 days later.

Film executive Jules Brulatour’s first venture in this area was a faux-documentary on the disaster made up of cobbled-together newsreel and specially-shot material featuring the ill-fated Captain Smith prior to departure, various features of the Titanic and its launch, and footage of the Carpathia‘s arrival in New York. Released on 22nd April, the short film was a huge success, which may have prompted Brulatour to return to the well by making Saved From The Titanic.

American actress Dorothy Gibson was a Titanic survivor: one of those who made it into the first lifeboat and was rescued the next morning by the Carpathia. At the time, Gibson was involved with Brulatour, who immediately took advantage of the situation by hustling a short film into production only days after the actress’s arrival in New York. Saved From The Titanic features Gibson as a Frenchwoman travelling to reunite with her parents and sailor-fiancé, who later recounts her experience while fretting over her future husband’s choice of career. During the filming, Gibson wore the clothes in which she was dressed during her ordeal; and some reports suggest she also wrote the screenplay. However, re-enacting the tragedy evidently took its toll, with the actress having crying fits during production and later suffering a breakdown which ended her career. Reactions to the film varied widely at the time, predictably enough, with some critics praising its artistry and others condemning its tastelessness.

Unfortunately, Saved From The Titanic is now a lost film, with a 1914 fire at the Éclair Moving Picture Company’s studio in Fort Lee destroying the stored prints. It was briefly believed some years ago that a print had been rediscovered; but this turned out to be one of what is now, consequently, the oldest surviving film about the Titanic—

(Before I move on, beware the online print claiming to be Saved From The Titanic: it is actually Jules Brulatour’s earlier faux-documentary.)

Produced by a Berlin-based company and directed by the Romanian Mime Misu, In Night And Ice – original title: In Nacht und Eis; also known as: Der Untergang der Titanic (The Sinking Of The Titanic) and Shipwrecked In Icebergs – was released in August of 1912, its unusual-at-the-time three-month production schedule involving shooting of and on an actual liner as well in a studio and on location. Likewise, the film is approximately forty minutes long, more than three times the usual running-time of that period. Its first phase is documentary-like, re-enacting the boarding of the Titanic, pointing out its richest passengers – including John Jacob Astor IV and his wife, Madeleine, although they are not named – introducing Captain Smith (Otto Rippert), and showing off the engine-room. The middle section of the film focuses largely on The Lifestyles Of The Rich And Famous. Footage of a real ship gives way to model-work when it is time for the disaster to unfold, with the Titanic hitting an iceberg and stopping dead instantaneously, while the passengers are flung around (yeah, you’d think). The subsequent sinking is not dwelt upon, but we do get the first surviving attempt to show the stricken ship with its stern in the air. What is missing here, no doubt because of the recentness of the tragedy, is any criticism of anyone involved, any placing of blame or implication of hubris. The latter stages of the film are, on the contrary, generous in spirit, emphasising how well and bravely everyone behaved and highlighting the self-sacrifice of Captain Smith, the First Officer (Ernst Rückert) and the senior wireless operator who insisted on staying behind.

Atlantic (1929)

Based upon the play The Berg by Ernest Raymond; also known as: Titanic: Disaster In The Atlantic. Aboard the luxury liner Atlantic, rumours begin to spread about a dangerous ice field. Captain Collins (Sydney Lynn) orders his First Officer, Mr Lanchester (John Longden), to keep the passengers calm whatever it takes. In the first-class saloon, young married couple Lawrence (John Stuart) and Monica (Madeleine Carroll) try to arrange a celebratory dinner for the following evening to mark their four-month anniversary; though they encounter resistance from the wheelchair-bound author, John Rool (Franklin Dyall), who is known for his cynical, “dangerous” books. Meanwhile, other passengers try to keep the fact that Freddie Tate-Hughes (D. A. Clarke-Smith) is having an onboard affair from his wife, Clara (Helen Haye), and daughter, Betty (Joan Barry); though they discover it for themselves, to their distress and disgust. As the ship presses on through the night, it suddenly strikes an iceberg and is torn open—the damage so serious that the Atlantic must sink within hours… The first sound filming of the Titanic disaster was one of the most expensive movies of 1929; and, as was often done at the time, several different versions were produced. The British version, Atlantic, also one of the first British sound-on-film productions, was shot simultaneously with a German-language version (released as Atlantik), that country’s first sound film; while a silent version was also made: all three directed by Ewald André Dupont. A French version (Atlantis) was produced some time later, directed by Jean Kemm, with some different footage and an altered plot. A threatened lawsuit from the White Star Line was evidently the reason for changing the name of the ship, but that fooled no-one and of course wasn’t meant to. Atlantic, alas, is a silent-to-sound transition film in the most horrifying sense of that phrase: the cast is completely paralysed by the need to speak dialogue – the young Madeleine Carroll is particularly poor – on top of which Ewald Dupont evidently directed his actors to speak as slowly as possible, so that the audience wouldn’t miss a syllable. Consequently, everyone sounds like the test reel in Singin’ In The Rain (“This–is–a–talk–ing–pic–ture”). Furthermore, the film makes no attempt to overcome its stage origins, with most of its “action” set in the saloon, with half-a-dozen or so characters wrestling with their personal problems largely oblivious to the unfolding disaster. The exception is professional cynic John Rool, to whom the First Officer confides the true state of the ship, and whose rising to the occasion forms the focal point of the plot. The rest of the narrative consists mostly of infuriating scenes of men trying to work out how to persuade their wimminfolk into the lifeboats without letting them know that anything is really wrong—the women being, one and all, too stupid to figure that out on their own, evidently. (The way the ship just sits there, plus the apparent soundproofing of the saloon, might have something to do with that, I guess.) Eventually the film cuts to far more realistic scenes of panic and struggle; of the lifeboats being lowered; of the growing realisation of the rest of the passengers that they are doomed to go down with the ship. Chasing sound in another way, Atlantic has the ship’s band play over the second half of the film—so loudly and enthusiastically, indeed, that it sometimes drowns out the dialogue, which is a blessing—thus becoming the first Titanic film to include “Nearer, My God, To Thee” on its soundtrack. Current prints of the film do include a shot of the ship with its stern in the air before it sinks rather rapidly, however it has been asserted that the original footage was cut to avoid distressing the real-life survivors (as opposed to all the rest?), and that what we see today is an out-take from A Night To Remember added during the film’s restoration.

Le Tunnel (1933)

Based upon the novel by Bernhard Kellermann. In New York, American businessmen and women meet secretly on the rooftop terrace of the Astoria Hotel, defying the efforts of the press and various spies to discover the subject under discussion: the proposed construction of a cross-Atlantic tunnel, joining France to Long Island. The project is the brainchild of engineer Allan MacAllan (Jean Gabin), who after making his pitch waits in agony for the outcome. To his delight and somewhat to his surprise, a syndicate is formed to back the project, under the leadership of Woolf (Gustaf Gründgens). Secretly, however, Woolf has plans to use the situation to his own advantage… Construction begins on both sides of the ocean, and the work goes so well that, having reaches the 500 km mark on the American side, a celebration is held. This also provides a welcome relief for MacAllan’s wife, Mary (Madeleine Renaud), with the couple’s marriage suffering great strain because of MacAllan’s long absences. However, even as the workers gather above ground, saboteurs are at work below… Curiously, or so it seems with hindsight, there were numerous French / German co-productions made during the early 30s. The 1933 adaptation of the best-selling novel, Der Tunnel, was made in both languages, with different casts and some plot changes in the German version (Der Tunnel); though both were directed by Curtis Bernhardt despite his having already fled Germany. Le Tunnel is sometimes classified as science fiction, albeit such engineering projects have since become reality (if not quite in trans-Atlantic terms); however the grounded depiction of the drilling and construction work here negates any suggestion of “the fantastic” or “the future”. The underground scenes are remarkable for their time, combining sets with footage shot in actual construction projects. The film overall, meanwhile, seems intent upon depicting the two faces of capitalism—and though the film ends on a note of triumph, the messages it conveys are extremely mixed. On one hand, the project is lauded as a boost to industry and for its creation of jobs; there is much camaraderie amongst the workers (and the term ‘comrade’ is widely and positively used), and MacAllan is the kind of boss who likes to get his hands dirty. Conversely, Woolf will stop at nothing to profit personally from his undertaking, and after using company funds to buy shipping stock, initiates a program of sabotage that costs lives—backing this with agents provocateurs, to bring about a strike. These efforts are thwarted, however, and Woolf’s doings are discovered by syndicate member Lloyd (André Nox), who tasks MacAllan with confronting him. MacAllan gives Woolf three days to restore the embezzled funds with which he has been speculating—but instead, he uses the time to destroy the tunnel project once and for all… Possibly the greatest challenge of Le Tunnel these days is accepting that the characters, headed by the extremely French Jean Gabin and the extremely German Gustaf Gründgens, are supposed to be American (and in the former case, from Buffalo, no less). The cast also includes Robert Le Vigan as Brooce, Woolf’s saboteur, and Pierre Nay as Hobby, MacAllan’s best friend and counselor.

The Brave Don’t Cry (1952)

Another instance of a real-life tragedy being filmed only a short time after its occurrence—although this time with the excuse of a (mostly) happy ending, albeit not without casualties. This British drama is a re-enactment of the 1950 Knockshinnoch mining disaster, in which flooding of the pits trapped more than one hundred men underground. A massive effort across three days succeeded in rescuing the majority of the trapped miners, though thirteen men also died. Written by Montagu Slater and Lindsay Galloway, and directed by Philip Leacock, The Brave Don’t Cry is a low-key and respectful drama that takes pains to pay tribute to all involved in the situation. The disaster that strikes the mine is no-one’s fault (the Knockshinnoch Castle colliery was one of the most technologically advanced diggings of the time), but due to freakish weather conditions—with torrential rain building intolerable above-ground pressure. The rapid, deadly subsidence collapses one section of the mine, killing nine men almost immediately and trapping the rest below ground. Via telephone, crew-leader Donald Sloan (John Rae) is able to alert the mine’s operators to the situation and describe conditions; however, initial attempts to inspect the site from above reveal only the extent of the flooding, with the mine elevator hitting water almost immediately. With all newly-constructed entry points blocked, the rescue effort must depend increasingly upon the memory of Margaret Wishart (Meg Buchanan), the wife of one of the most senior of the miners, who is able to recall the geography of the older, abandoned workings that preceded the new dig, and to suggest an alternative point of entry. As the rescue workers try to re-open the old shaft, the miners make their own efforts to meet them halfway—only for both crews to discover a potentially deadly patch of firedamp between the trapped men and safety… The second half of The Brave Don’t Cry is built around the race against time created by the infiltration of the mine by the poisonous gasses seeping in from the putative rescue point—with the very opening of the shaft by which the men might be rescued increasing the danger for those below ground. John Cameron (John Gregson), a mine inspector for the National Coal Board, takes the extraordinary step of going into the mine and staying there, both to inform the trapped men of what must happen and to demonstrate the above-ground commitment to their rescue. Meanwhile, Mrs Wishart continues to work with the authorities, knowing that her son, Danny (Fulton Mackay), is one of those trapped, and slowly coming to terms with the fact that her husband may have been one of those killed during the initial collapse…

Isle Of The Snake People (1968)

Original title: La muerte viviente (The Living Dead); also known as: Snake People, Cult Of The Dead. On the island of Korbai, a man named Klinsor (Quintín Bulnes), with the help of a voodoo practitioner (Santanón), raises a young woman from the dead so that she can be his sexual slave. Meanwhile, Captain Labische (Rafael Bertrand) arrives on Korbai determined to clean up its police force, enforce the law and stamp out voodoo, which the natives practive under the leadership of a mysterious figure known as Damballah. Also arriving is Annabella Vandenberg (Julissa), the niece of the island’s most important landowner, Carl van Molder (Boris Karloff), who is surpised by her visit but welcomes her warmly. Labische is disgusted by the state of the local police station and enraged by what he views as the derelect conduct of his lieutenant, Andrew Wilhelm (Charles East). When he hears his new superior’s plans for cleaning up the island, Wilhelm tells him not to interfere with the native rituals, but his warnings fall on deaf ears. Labische hopes to recruit van Molder to his cause, but discovers that he is a scientist whose research is into understanding – and acquiring – the powers of the voodoo priests… Isle Of The Snake People was the second of the four films starring Boris Karloff co-directed by Jack Hill in Los Angeles and Juan Ibanez in Mexico. Like the first, Fear Chamber, its premise is intriguing but the results are largely a blending of nastiness and tedium—the latter to a surprising degree, considering that the story deals with voodoo, zombies, flesh-eating, necrophilia, human sacrifice and snake dancing. The multiple voodoo-ritual scenes, which ought to be a highlight as well as important to the story, are  too often no more than padding; while the script can’t make up its mind whether being raised up as a zombie is a reward or a punishment. Much of the violence here is misogynistic, and a number of animals definitely were harmed in the making of this film—although not its snakes, possibly because “Tongolele” – former exotic dancer Yolanda Montes, cast here as voodoo priestess Kalea – brought her own. The film also abounds in odd touches such as the unexplained mixture of ethnicities – Labische is explicitly French, but nearly everyone else sports a Germanic name, and most of the cast is of course Mexican – and Annabella’s wardrobe and temperance (!) activities, which presumably place the action in the 1920s. Boris Karloff is overtly cast as the aristocratic van Molder, but it doesn’t take much effort to deduce that he is also the mysterious Damballah (albeit not always Damballah’s voice: there’s some hilariously terrible dubbing). Labische’s attempts to stamp out voodoo go about as well as we might predict, with his hapless men getting picked off one by one; until Labische himself and Wilhelm are forced to go undercover in order to try and rescue the designated victim of an attempt to conjure up Baron Samedi via what Annabella has previously – and presciently – called “an act of ultimate horror”: human sacrifice…

Twisted Nerve (1968)

After visiting his disabled older brother at the hospital where he lives, Martin Durnley (Hywel Bennett) visits a toy store and shoplifts a small toy as another customer, Susan Harper (Hayley Mills), makes a purchase. The store detectives detain them together, to Susan’s indignation; but Martin avoids the consequences by adopting the persona of “Georgie”, a mentally challenged young man, which prompts Susan to pay for the toy. Returning to the luxurious home he shares with his mother (Phyllis Calvert) and step-father (Frank Finlay), Martin overhears them arguing about him and his “perverse” behaviour. In his room, he adopts the Georgie persona once more—hugging a stuffed toy as he sits in a rocking-chair which is destroying a photograph of Mr Durnley… Having noted Susan’s address during the store incident, Martin tracks her down and follows her to her job at a library. Again as Georgie, he pays her back for the toy and borrows a child’s book. Back home, Martin rejects his step-father’s plan to send him away to Australia: pretending to leave for France, he turns up at Susan’s house, where her mother (Billie Whitelaw) takes in paying guests, carrying a faked letter from his “father” asking that “Georgie” be allowed to stay while he is away on business. Mrs Harper is dismayed, but Susan persuades her to let him stay. Once established, “Georgie” begins ingratiating himself with the household; while Martin plots revenge on his step-father… While aspects of this film are frankly objectionable today, even in 1968 Twisted Nerve attracted criticism for its tacit linking of chromosomal abnormalities with psychopathy and criminal behaviour—so much so, a spoken disclaimer was added to the beginning insisting that no such link was implied or intended. Not only is this a lie, it is couched in the cruel phraseology of the time, which just makes it worse. The fact is, if the film didn’t mean this, then there is no need whatsoever for its lengthy lecture on the genetics of mental disability, nor its subplot about Martin’s brother, who presumably has Down syndrome; the manoeuvring around this point is as distasteful as the point itself. I can only imagine that, at the time, this was simply viewed as a cutting-edge “hook” to distinguish Twisted Nerve from Hammer’s “mini-Hitchcock”psycho-thrillers, because there is so much going on here that none of this material was actually necessary. Martin Durnley is shown at one point to be reading Psychopathia Sexualis; and the film feels very much as if Leo Marks simply opened that book at random and added to his screenplay whatever he happened to come across. Martin seems to be implied, at different points, to be homosexual; to be narcissistic; to be repulsed by his own sexuality; to be repulsed by female sexuality; and to be sexually obsessed with Susan—among other things. Meanwhile, it is never clear whether “Georgie” is simply an act or a genuine alternate personality, or whether in pretending to be Georgie, Martin is eventually taken over by him. Furthermore, there is a complete disconnect between Martin’s cold-blooded and fairly carefully plotted murder of his step-father, and his increasingly uncontrolled behaviour at the boarding-house. Overall, Twisted Nerve is another example of what I call “grotty horror”: the face of normality here is Gerry Henderson (Barry Foster), another boarder, who divides his time between sleeping with the frustrated Mrs Harper, making passes at Susan, peppering his conversation with sexual innuendo, spouting reactionary invective, and throwing racist abuse at fellow-boarder, Shashee Kadir (Salmaan Peer). Unexpectedly, and in contrast to its failed efforts to be “advanced” in its views on mental illness, here the film feels genuinely progressive: the Indian medical student is the one intelligent and trustworthy male in the entire story, turning an indifferent cheek to the racial attitudes of the white characters and running verbal rings around the obnoxious Henderson; and it is to him that Susan instinctively turns for help when her growing suspicions about “Georgie” prove only too well-founded. However, by the time Susan takes the desperate step of going to the newly widowed Mrs Durnley for information, it is already too late for her mother; and Susan herself is next in line… In addition to its distasteful aspects and its sexual confusion, Twisted Nerve is wildly overlong, running nearly two hours. You might not like it—but you won’t forget it.

Victory At Entebbe (1976)

Well. So much for not exploiting a tragedy too soon. The second half of 1976 saw an undignified race between the ABC and NBC television networks to be the first to produce and screen a film about the hijacking of Air France Flight 139 and the subsequent military operation mounted to free the hostages, events which had occurred between 27th June –  4th July that year. ABC “won”, with Victory At Entebbe broadcast on the 13th December. The results are a weird blend of the factual, the exploitative, the tentative and the soap-ish, delivered by an all-star cast that distracts far more than it convinces. Shortly after its departure from Athens Airport, bound for Paris, Flight 139 is taken over by four armed terrorists and diverted to Libya for refuelling. While a German man (Helmut Berger) holds the flight crew at gun-point, a woman (Bibi Besch) begins searching the female passengers; their Palestinian partners (Anthony James, Zitto Kazan) keep the male passengers under control. A French nun (Lilyan Chauvin) and an Israeli nurse (Jessica Walter) convince the hijackers that a pregnant passenger (Samantha Harper) is in danger of a late-term miscarriage, and she is permitted to leave the plane at Benghazi; later, she is able to provide information about events on board. Leaving Libya, the plane’s destination is Entebbe in Uganda, where at a disused airport terminal the hostages are sorted into two groups, with the Israelis and other Jewish passengers separated from the rest… Meanwhile, the Israeli government led by Yitzhak Rabin (Anthony Hopkins) has received the terrorists’ demand for the release of over fifty imprisoned activists, and must decide on a course of action in light of the government’s stance on non-negotiation. A degree of compromise sees the non-Jewish hostages released and the deadline pushed a further two days. In the face of the threatened execution of the remaining hostages, the Israeli government and military plot a high-risk raid on Entebbe airport… Though its depiction of real-world events is broadly accurate, there is enough fictionalisation in Victory At Entebbe to make it a discomforting experience even aside from its subject matter—with that very subject matter clashing badly with the obviously hasty production, the cheap-looking sets and the generally soapy feel. The screenplay by Ernest Kinoy, while it won an Emmy, is weirdly cautious, as if it doesn’t want to offend anyone: it never truly engages with the politics of the situation, and the fact that, with the exception of Rabin and his advisors, almost everyone’s name is changed or omitted leaves you with a feeling of doubt about what you’re watching. (Bibi Besch, who plays Brigitte Kuhlmann as a shrieking Nazi, is billed only as “German woman”.) The mix of approaches amongst the cast is also damaging: Anthony Hopkins does an accent as Rabin; Burt Lancaster doesn’t bother as Shimon Peres; and Richard Dreyfuss is a little too Richard Dreyfuss as Colonel “Yoni” Netanyahu, the sole Israeli military casualty. Meanwhile, as an expy for hostage Dora Bloch, who was left behind in hospital when the others were rescued, Helen Hayes effectively reprises her character from Airport, which isn’t a problem; but a post-Airport ’75 Linda Blair tries to be both cute and tragic as one-half of a self-evidently doomed teen romance, and just doesn’t have the chops for it; while Kirk Douglas and Elizabeth Taylor in particular chew the scenery in cameo appearances as the latter’s parents. Christian Marquand does much better as the pilot of Flight 139 (though I have no idea whether the suggestion that the French flight crew stayed behind voluntarily with the Jewish hostages is true or not); but Julius Harris, a rushed replacement for Godfrey Cambridge after the latter’s tragic death from heart failure, gives us a strange interpretation of Idi Amin. (To be fair, I’m not sure how you’d go about giving one that wasn’t strange.) In its dash to the small screen, Victory At Entebbe was originally shot on video for its American debut, but later transferred to film and released to cinemas in Europe. The original cut ran 146 minutes, but versions of 119 minutes are also out there.

Firefox (1982)

Based upon the novel by Craig Thomas. NATO official Kenneth Aubrey (Freddie Jones) delivers a report to the intelligence community about a newly developed Russian MiG-31 – codename: “Firefox” – which is capable of hypersonic flight and invisible to radar, and which carries weapons controlled by the pilot’s thoughts—significantly reducing reaction time in combat. The superiority of the technology is, in Aubrey’s opinion, sufficient to shift the balance of world power… Retired and living in isolation in Alaska after his traumatic experiences in Vietnam, former air-force pilot Mitchell Gant (Clint Eastwood) is recruited for a highly dangerous mission inside the Soviet Union, for which his past as a member of an aggressor squadron and his ability to speak Russian make him the best choice. Working with a network of dissidents led by Pavel Upenskoy (Warren Clarke), and shifting his appearance and identity several times, Gant is transported from Moscow to the air base at Bilyarsk, where his mission is nothing less than stealing the Firefox. However, his arrival at the base coincides with a visit by the Soviet First Secretary (Stefan Schnabel), resulting in even heavier security than usual; and meanwhile, KGB operatives are on his trail… Firefox is a techno-thriller that never really (excuse me) catches fire. This is a long film, and one that feels unbalanced: we are well into the second hour before Gant arrives in Bilyarsk, and we finally see the sci-fi-ish technology the story rests upon; while another half-hour passes before the thing is in the air. Rather than being engaged with the mission, the viewer (okay, this viewer) might end up thinking, Get on with it. The lead-up material, which focuses on the many difficulties (to put it mildly) of conveying Gant through Russia is valid, yet still feels unsatisfactory. I think that Clint Eastwood, as director, was trying to make the point of Gant’s unsuitability for the espionage work, which if so was a brave choice: the film certainly dwells on his many errors and their consequences, and there seems a deliberate distancing from the slickness and indifference of the usual cinematic action hero. Of course, this is set against Gant’s perfections as a pilot: we are asked to accept that he is “the best” in spite of his age, his retirement, and his PTSD. A bigger problem is how we are to take Gant’s differing attitudes to hands-on and hands-off violence. He recoils from the ruthlessness displayed by the dissidents, he is sickened by himself when he panics and kills a KGB officer, he fails to follow orders with respect to disposing of his Russian counterpart—but he has no problem at all with deploying the stolen plane’s missiles. In fact— What Firefox kept making me think of was Torn Curtain, which likewise employs a “the Commies are much smarter than we are, let’s just steal from them” plot; the difference being that the earlier film maintains an ironic distance from its protagonist, his dubious behaviour, and the rising body count around him. Anyway— Firefox does finally get its centrepiece into the air, and the special effects by John Dykstra – which apparently swallowed 95% of the film’s budget – are allowed to take over. At this belated point the film finds its energy, with Gant taking a deceptive route to his refuelling point on an ice flow, the Russians deducing his tactics, and the not-dead-like-he-ought-to-be Colonel Voskov (Kai Wulff) sent after him in a second Firefox prototype…

Black Eagle (1988)

An F-111 is shot down and crashes into the Mediterranean near Malta; a race then develops between the US and the Soviets for possession of the classified laser guidance system it was carrying. An American agent called Henderson (Gene Davis) is dispatched to the area, but falls into the hands of the Russian forces led by Colonel Klimenko (Vladimir Skomarovsky); when he fights back, he is summarily killed by Klimenko’s right-hand man, Andrei (Jean-Claude Van Damme). Another operative, Ken Tani (Shō Kosugi) – codename: Black Eagle – is recalled from his current mission and ordered to Malta, even though this will break his agreement of two weeks per year with his children. When Rickert (William Bassett), his handler, tells him that Brian (Kane Kosugi) and Denny (Shane Kosugi) have already been sent to Malta, under the care of CIA operative Patricia Parker (Doran Clark), Tani accepts the situation. Once on the scene, Tani is met by another of Rickert’s reluctant recruits, Father Joseph Bedelia (Bruce French), and the two begin their search for the downed plane; but the Russians are closing in… I didn’t just miss Black Eagle during my current JCVD sweep, I was somehow unaware of it until very recently in spite of its central co-casting; though perhaps Jean-Claude’s almost dialogueless villain role means it isn’t always included in the ‘canon’ list. In many ways this is an all-too-typical 80s action movie, with a McGuffin at its centre and a perfunctory plot that offers an excuse for foot chases, car chases, gun-play and of course martial arts; the one unexpected touch is the Maltese location shooting, which at least results in some visual originality. The inevitable clashes between Ken and Andrei are intriguing to watch, given the contrasting fighting styles of Kosugi and Van Damme, and the screenplay shows an interesting reluctance to let either of them “win”. (Andrei brings a gun to his first encounter with Ken, but obligingly throws it aside when his adversary raises a contemptuous eyebrow.) At this distance, in fact, viewer sympathy might be on the wrong side: whether it was intended to be or not, Van Damme’s performance – including a few hilariously Terminator-esque moments – is the film’s comic highlight…except perhaps for the scene in which Ken and Father Joseph convince Klimenko that they really are scientists by being as boringly nerdy as possible. The restored print of Black Eagle is a quantum improvement visually over its murky VHS predecessor, and Malta and the Mediterranean both dazzle the eye as the film unfolds. However, the additional fifteen minutes do make the film seem overlong, with a number of sequences feeling unnecessarily protracted and too many lulls between the fight scenes we’re here to see. The kids, meanwhile, of course have to be endangered but not too much; and while Ken is never going to win Father Of The Year, what we really roll our eyes at is Rickert, while using two “off-the-book” operatives to stymie the Russians, sending the boys to Malta in the care of a known CIA operative, thus guaranteeing they become a target. All this said, though, the best performance in Black Eagle comes from Bruce French as demolitions expert turned government killer turned Jesuit priest turned oceanographer turned reluctant hero Father Joseph. Dorota Puzio is also oddly sympathetic as Natasha.

(Bloodsport was released before Black Eagle, just, so my remarks about JCVD’s first onscreen splits still stand.)

Journey To The Center Of The Earth (1989)

Based upon the noel by Jules Verne. British nanny Crystina (Nicola Cowper) is hired in Hawaii, only to discover that her charge is Bernard, the dog owned by rock star Billy Foul (Jeremy Crutchley). While taking Bernard to be groomed, Crystina crosses paths with Richard (Paul Carafotes) and his younger siblings, Bryan (Ilan Mitchell-Smith) and Sara (Jackie Bernstein), and ends up accompanying them on a secret visit to a cave at the base of a volcano. There is an eruption that causes a quake, and Sara is separated from the rest and left on the surface while the other three are trapped underground. After plunging into a pool beneath a waterfall, Crystina, Richard and Bryan search for a way out. After they split up, Richard is rescued; but Crystina and Bryan separately fall through a hidden trap and find themselves in the lost city of Atlantis… As sometimes happens, Journey To The Center Of The Earth has a production history much more interesting than what ended up onscreen. This was a Cannon film, the directorial debut of Rusty Lemorande, who after attempting to deliver a version for Christmas 1986 ended up showing a rough cut to Golan and Globus almost a year later, in the hope of gaining more funding. Instead he was shown the door, with the job of finishing it handed to Albert Pyun in exchange for a promise to deliver first his own version of the story for under $1 million—and so Alien From L.A. was born. There turned out to be not much Pyun could do to fix this version of Journey To The Center Of The Earth – he declined to have his name in the credits, which speaks for itself – however he did turn it into a quasi-sequel to his own film via pictures and a small piece of (I think) outtake footage of Kathy Ireland as Wanda Saknussemm; though her prominence in the credits is misleading, to say the least. As for the rest of the film, it’s an uninteresting, incoherent mess, without even the anti-attractions of it predecessor; though it does share its low-budget 80s music video look. It spends forever over its set-up without making us care one bit for the characters (noting that there was some hasty re-shooting here, to remove the original Christmas-y stuff), and once the pruned-down cast reaches Atlantis, the task of understanding anything of what’s going on presents a significant challenge. As far as I could gather, the Atlanteans think the arrival of the surface “aliens” prefigures an invasion, they make plans to retaliate by attacking the surface, but this is somehow averted and diplomatic relations are established instead. The film then drags its end credits out to excruciating length in an attempt to pad out the running-time. Meanwhile, various cast members play multiple roles for no particular reason; and Emo Phillips is supposedly in there somewhere too.

It (1990)

Based upon the novel by Stephen King. In Derry, a young girl (Chelan Simmons) is brutally killed in her own front yard: the sixth local child to be murdered or go missing. Later looking on from behind the police barriers, librarian Mike Hanlon (Tim Reid) makes a reluctant decision… In England, American author turned screenwriter, Bill Denborough (Richard Thomas), is momentarily confused when he receives a phone-call from someone called Mike in Derry; but then the memories of his childhood begin coming back—and the horror… Lying sick in bed, young Bill Denborough (Jonathan Brandis) makes a paper boat for his little brother, Georgie (Tony Dakota), who takes it outside to play in the rain but loses it down a drain. Kneeling in the road, Georgie is dumbfounded to see within the drain the figure of a clown, who introduces himself as Pennywise (Tim Curry). Lulled by the clown’s humorous demeanour, Georgie makes the fatal mistake of reaching for his boat… During the summer that follows Georgie’s death, a circle of friends forms around Bill: Eddie Kaspbrak (Adam Faraizl), Ben Hanscom (Brandon Crane), Richie Tozier (Seth Green), Beverley Marsh (Emily Perkins), Stan Uris (Ben Heller) and Mike Hanlon (Marlon Taylor). Over time, each confesses to the rest an encounter with the terrifying entity that stalks Derry, which they begin to call simply “It”; while Bill reveals his determination to kill It… The 1990 adaptation of Stephen King’s It is best-remembered, and rightly, for Tim Curry’s cruelly comic embodiment of Pennywise; but fond memories of Curry’s performance tend to paper over exactly how severely compromised this made-for-TV version of the novel really is. Two aspects of the production stand out as having a negative impact. First, the casting of the adult versions of the characters has always struck me as inappropriate. Possibly this was an attempt to lure in horror-wary viewers via familiar faces, but John Ritter and Harry Anderson in particular, as the adult Ben and Ritchie, seem out of place here. The most damaging artistic choice, however, is that the actual horror of the Derry situation, the ongoing campaign against the town’s children, is kept so firmly out of sight after the necessary, key demise of poor Georgie Denborough, that the threat posed by Pennywise is muted as a consequence: we just don’t feel the escalating violence, nor conversely the reckless courage of the children’s retaliation, the way that we should. (Presumably TV censorship was making itself felt here.) The other main problem with It is one inherent from the novel: the adults just aren’t as interesting or engaging as their younger counterparts. Of course in the book this is the point, with the adult friends struggling to recapture the lightning-in-a-bottle quality of their childhood friendship, which was so critical a factor in their success against the inhabiting entity; but this is exacerbated here by some unnecessary rewriting that significantly alters some of the characters to no advantage. Like its source, across its two parts It toggles between the two cycles of Pennywise’s predation on Derry, first in 1960, then thirty years later. As Mike Hanlon reaches out by phone to the other scattered members of “the Losers Club”, each call jogs childhood memories long lost or suppressed… Having decided to fight back against It, which they realise can shift shape to appear as whatever terrifies an individual most, the children head into the sewers below Derry, It’s main lair. In the confrontation that follows, Eddie imagines his asthma medicine as battery acid and inflicts terrible injuries on It’s clown form; while with a slingshot, Beverley pierces It’s head with a heavy silver earring. Gravely wounded, It escapes into the depths beneath the town. Hoping desperately that they have killed It, the children nevertheless gather and swear a solemn oath that, should It return in the future, so will they… Meeting for the first time in thirty years, the former Losers learn to their grief that one of their number will not be returning. They separate, wandering the town alone and trying to regain their memories—each individual journey provoking a terrifying encounter with Pennywise. Fearing in their hearts that, all these years later, they have neither the courage nor the faith of their childhood counterparts, the six survivors head into the darkness beneath Derry… Nostalgia helps carry the viewer over some of It’s bumpier patches, and there is still quite a lot to enjoy here even if the sum of its parts isn’t completely satisfactory. The cast also includes Annette O’Toole, Dennis Christopher and Richard Masur as the adult Beverley, Eddie and Stan; and Olivia Hussey as Bill’s wife, Audra.

(While I understand it, I’m still annoyed by the shifting of the opening cycle from 1957 to 1960: you don’t mess with I Was A Teenage Werewolf, baby!)

Patriot Games (1992)

Based upon the novel by Tom Clancy. In London, former CIA analyst and current naval history professor, Jack Ryan (Harrison Ford), prepares with his wife, Dr Catherine Ryan (Anne Archer), and their young daughter, Sally (Thora Birch), to return to the United States. While Ryan delivers one last speech, Cathy and Sally sight-see: the three intending to meet up near Buckingham Palace. As a car leaves the palace grounds carrying Lord William Holmes (James Fox), his wife and their young son, an attack is made upon it by members of an Irish terrorist group. Instinctively, Ryan intervenes, tackling one of the attackers and seizing his weapon. Though shot himself, he manages to wound two of the terrorists, one fatally; while the other members of the group speed away. Recovering, Ryan is required to testify during the trial of Sean Miller (Sean Bean). As he steps down, Miller swears vengeance against him for the death of his younger brother. After his conviction, Miller is held pending his transfer to a prison on the Isle of Wight. He remains silent despite the best efforts of Inspector Highland (David Threlfall), who plays on his seeming abandonment by his group. However, during his transfer, an ambush frees Miller and kills Highland and the other police officers involved: the incident also indicates a mole high up in the British government. Miller reunites with Kevin O’Donnell (Patrick Bergin), the leader of the radical splinter group, and the latter’s English girlfriend, Annette (Polly Walker). O’Donnell resumes his plans for a strike against the monarchy, but Miller becomes obsessed with thoughts of revenge against Jack Ryan… This adaptation of Patriot Games is a more streamlined and, if I can put it this way, more sensible version of Tom Clancy’s novel. For practical – and I hope, artistic – reasons, it has been mercifully shorn of the novel’s nauseating royalist sycophancy and its still more cringeworthy “Americans set the Royals straight” material, and is a lot more enjoyable for it. (The screenplay is by W. Peter Iliff and Donald E. Stewart, though I like to think that director Phillip Noyce also had something to do with its deroyalisation.) The target of the attack is now a (fictional) cousin of the Queen Mother, who is also the (fictional) Minister of State for Northern Ireland, which makes the rest easier to swallow. The narrative’s handling of its Irish terrorists may be contentious for some viewers, though like its source the film is at pains to distance them from the IRA. Another possible issue is the replacement of Alec Baldwin, who played Jack Ryan in The Hunt For Red October, with Harrison Ford. The latter is, strictly, too old for the part, but he inhabits Ryan effortlessly, making credible the conflicting facets of the character and his shifts between devoted family man and ruthless action hero. Politics aside, the body of Patriot Games is an effective thriller, with the splinter group’s efforts to undermine the IRA releasing Miller to pursue his vendetta against the Ryans on American soil. An attack on Jack himself fails thanks to his alertness; but in trying to evade Miller, Cathy and Sally are involved in a car crash that leaves the latter badly injured—and which sends Jack, despite his resolutions, back to Langley… One of the strengths of Patriot Games is the way it conveys the capabilities of CIA; and while those are depicted here as being on the right side of the fight, there remains a cold-bloodedness about the agency’s activities that is nevertheless chilling. The second half of the film finds the battle between the intelligence communities of the UK and the US and the terrorist group escalating, with the key members of the latter escaping several attempts upon their freedom and/or lives. The conflict between O’Donnell and Miller over their focus is resolved when the mole informs them that, during his visit to the US, Lord William will be attending a private dinner at the Ryans’ isolated Maryland home—placing all the terrorists’ eggs in one basket…In addition to its other qualities, Patriot Games offers a strong supporting cast headed by a returning James Earl Jones as Admiral Greer; Richard Harris as Sein Finn representative Paddy O’Neill; Alun Armstrong as police officer Sergeant Owens; Hugh Fraser as Holmes’ private secretary Geoffrey Watkins; and Samuel L. Jackson—rather oddly just there as a friend of Ryan’s who is never properly introduced in-film (but who we know is going to shoot some mfs, amiright??).

Executive Decision (1996)

In Trieste, special forces led by Colonel Austin Travis (Steven Seagal) raid a suspected Chechen safe house, but fail to discover the stolen DZ-5 nerve toxin that intelligence indicated was being held there. David Graham (Kurt Russell), a consultant for US Army Intelligence, has his flying lesson interrupted when he is abruptly called back to work, where he learns that terrorist Abu El-Sayed Jaffa (Andreas Katsulas) has been violently abducted and handed over to US authorities. Days later, in London, a suicide bomber detonates his device in the Marriot Hotel, an act which coincides with the departure from Athens of a flight bound for Washington DC. Once in the air, Nagi Hassan (David Suchet), Jaffa’s lieutenant, retreats to the washroom, where he reassembles two smuggled handguns, one of which he then passes to another of his onboard team, along with a small explosive device. Simultaneously, a flight attendant is attacked in the galley, where more guns have been hidden in the back of a food container, and the explosive is used to access the cockpit, where the pilot (Ray Baker) and co-pilot (Michael Milhoan) are held at gunpoint. As the rest of the terrorists take control of the body of the plane, flight attendant Jean (Halle Berry) acts quickly to hide the passenger manifest, to conceal the presence onboard of an armed air marshal. David Graham is called to the Pentagon to consult on the situation, where he learns that in addition to demanding the release of Jaffa, the hijackers have declared their intention of landing in Washington to exchange half their hostages for a fortune in bullion. However, Graham believes that this is merely a smokescreen for a deadly attack using the missing DZ-5… Of all the political action thrillers that proliferated through the 1990s, Executive Decision is easily my favourite for reasons both intrinsic and accidental. The screenplay by John and Jim Thomas offers an insanely complicated scenario that piles crisis on top of crisis, yet is never incoherent or leaves the viewer confused over what is happening, which is rare in this area of film-making. Two other aspects of this production really appeal to me. One is that it rarely forces its characters outside their area of expertise, making the action more believable (relatively speaking). In particular, David Graham is a professional thinker—and although he must finally take violent action, for the most part he is allowed to guide the actions of the special forces team that infiltrates the plane (we’ll get to that) without being asked to participate; even as, likewise, explosives expert “Cappy” Matheny (Joe Morton) and aeronautical engineer Dennis Cahill (Oliver Platt) are left to focus on disarming the nerve-toxin bomb that Graham has rightly deduced is onboard. The other highlight for me is that the film operates squarely in disaster-movie territory, and knows how to use the conventions of the genre to its advantage. But Executive Decision’s other pleasures are many and varied—not least the bait-and-switch regarding Steven Seagal’s Colonel Travis, which abruptly removes the latter from command of the team tasked with stopping the terrorists. The plot turns on the outrageous piece of technology used to smuggle the commandos onboard mid-flight: the so-called “Remora”, designed by Cahill for the transfer of air-force personnel between planes. It was not, however, meant to be used on commercial airliners; and the increased complications leave Matheny severely injured, trap civilians Graham and Cahill on the hijacked plane, and place Captain Carlos Lopez (John Leguizamo) in charge of the mission to stop the terrorists. The transfer also leaves the men without any means of communicating with the ground, so they have no way of declaring their presence on the plane—and no way of calling off the air-strike planned should it cross into American air-space… Most of my love for Executive Decision is for (I hope) cogent cinematic reasons, but there is also the fact that Kurt Russell goes through most of the film wearing evening clothes and nerdy glasses—and he is SO FRICKING ADORABLE that it just melts me into a puddle. Conversely, there’s something weirdly hilarious about David Suchet playing a fanatical terrorist who doesn’t bother to tell his collaborators that theirs is a suicide mission. And the icing on my particular cake is that the final act of the film finds flight attendant Jean in the cockpit helping out – not working the radio, not these days, but in charge of the flight manual – while rookie pilot David Graham is tasked with landing the severely damaged airliner… Oh, my heart.

Blade (1998)

Based upon the Marvel comic by Marv Wolfman and Gene Colan. In 1967, a heavily-pregnant woman is rushed to hospital with a severe bite wound on her throat. The doctors save her baby, but they cannot save her… Thirty years later, Blade (Wesley Snipes), a dhampir with the strength of a vampire but lacking vampiric weaknesses except the craving for blood, wages war against the vampire population that secretly controls much of human society. At an underground rave staged by Deacon Frost (Stephen Dorff), vampires writhe ecstatically under a literal shower of blood—but the party ends when Blade arrives, slaughtering many of those present with his silver-edged sword and silver stakes. Quinn (Donal Logue), apparently burnt to death, later revives in a hospital morgue, killing the medical examiner and biting haemotologist Dr Karen Jensen (N’Bushe Wright). When Blade arrives to try and finish his work, he rescues Karen and flees the hospital with her just ahead of the police, who he tells her are in the control of the vampires. Blade takes Karen to his long-time collaborator, Abraham Whistler (Kris Kristofferson), who tries to treat her but concludes that they were too late and that she will eventually “turn”. Blade sends her home but uses her as bait to get his hands on a vampire “familiar”, human cop Krieger (Kevin Patrick Walls), from whom he forces information about an archive of secret vampire lore. Meanwhile, to wrest power from the council of vampire elders, Frost plans to awaken the blood god, “La Magra”… Blade is a film I can appreciate but didn’t really enjoy: this just isn’t, in most respects, my kind of thing. (Superhero films in general aren’t: should I apologise?) But though I struggled to engage with it for its own sake, with hindsight its importance is self-evident—in its revival of the superhero genre after the Batman debacle, in its insistence upon taking its material seriously, and above all in its casting of Wesley Snipes as Blade. It is important, too, to recognise now that this film pre-dated The Matrix, which may have popularised (to say the least) the trench-coat aesthetic, but was expanding on what was done here first. Courtesy of its screenplay by David S. Goyer (last seen around these parts re: Death Warrant), Blade largely avoids the info-dump feel that drags down many origin stories, while also doing a pretty good job on its world-building; and there is an edge to its racial politics that is constant without being too heavy-handed. However, though possibly this wasn’t so much the case at the time, the whole “ritual to revive an ancient power” business feels done to death. (How do these things keep getting lost?) I also found the fight scenes and the killings repetitive, albeit satisfyingly gross; though not as repetitive as the smashing of the plate glass that inexplicably dominates the decoration of both the human and the vampiric worlds. What Blade did offer me was its scientific subplot—the suggestion of vampirism as a blood-borne disease for which a cure might be found, which intertwines with Frost’s need of Blade’s mixed blood to complete the ritual for the raising of La Magra, and which in turn underscores the tensions between the pure-blood, born vampires and those like Frost who were “only” turned. Discovering that Blade is dependent upon a serum that suppresses his urge for human blood, but which is losing its effectiveness through overuse, Karen tries to develop a replacement but instead creates a solution that can be used to kill vampires. She also succeeds in developing a vaccine that might work as a cure—but learns it will not work on Blade… After Frost and his minions attack Blade’s hideout, infecting Whistler and abducting Karen, Blade’s attempted rescue ends in the revelation that his mother did not die, but was turned, and is another in Frost’s service. Blade is then captured, and his blood drained for the ritual…

(Confession: the EDTA-as-anti-vampire-weapon bit here made me giggle like an idiot, the same way I do at that Criminal Intent episode that treats DMSO like something rare and exotic.)

Crocodile 2: Death Swamp (2002)

Also known as: Crocodile II: Death Roll. After pulling off a violent bank robbery, the four gang-members head to the airport where they plan to fly to Mexico. Meanwhile, though she is having doubts about their relationship, flight attendant Mia Bozeman (Heidi Lenhart) makes plans to meet her boyfriend, Zach Thowler (Chuck Walczak), at a resort after her flight to Acapulco gets in. Mia’s nervous colleague, Julie (Anna Cranage), tells her as they board that there are forecasts of bad weather. These prove accurate, with the plane flying into a severe storm and experiencing extreme turbulence. Contacted by ground control, the captain (Dan Martin) is ordered to turn back. However, when an announcement is made to this effect, the bank robbers react with violence, threatening the passengers and invading the cockpit where they order the pilots to fly on. The co-pilot jumps one of his attackers and, in the ensuing struggle, both he and the control panel are shot: immediately, the plane spirals out of control and finally crash lands in a broad swampland area. Many of the passengers and one of the robbers are killed; with Max (Darryl Theirse), the gang’s leader, ruthlessly shooting dead those too injured to walk. He then orders some of the survivors to collect the gang’s belongings, which contain the proceeds of the robbery. But even as two factions confront one another, the captain is killed when a huge crocodile suddenly attacks… It seems to me that the main point of this in-name-only sequel is to try and prove that the characters of Crocodile weren’t so bad after all, despite what I may have felt at the time—with Crocodile 2: Death Swamp forcing us into the company of a crew of even more tiresomely unpleasant and foul-mouthed individuals, whipped together by no less than three (!) screenwriters who were apparently getting paid by the “fuck”. This makes the first half of the film an exercise in grueling endurance, with the sub-sub-Tarantino-esque bank robbers evidently convinced that the best way to get away with their crime is to draw as much attention to themselves as humanly possible, and non-existent airport security facilitating this rather peculiar plan. Things pick up at least a little after the plane crash, with the survivors of both that and the first croc attack – including Mia, of course – being forced-marched through the swamp, before they find a refuge of sorts in an abandoned cabin on stilts—but only “of sorts”. Meanwhile, the Mexican authorities’ response to the crash being, in effect, “We should care why?”, Zach ends up hiring hard-bitten, hard-drinking, cigar-chomping “tracker” Roland – Martin Kove doing a second-rate impression of Treat Williams’ second-rate Harrison Ford impression from Deep Rising – to find the crash site. The film then pulls a Jaws-esque “little shark” twist, with the first crocodile being disposed of by the robbers, only for it to turn out to be – ah-HA! – the offspring of a much, much bigger one… The special effects in Crocodile 2 are marginally worse than those in its predecessor, sad to say, though this is somewhat offset by a number of gruesome onscreen kill-scenes. Though of course it is Mia and Zach who are eventually tasked with disposing of the film’s main killer croc (fleetingly implied to be Flat Dog, though how could it be?), what non-croc entertainment this film offers is mostly due to Martin Kove’s Roland. And though it is far too little, far too late, Crocodile 2 does eventually make an attempt to curry favour with me—first by remembering that Nature Abhors A Helicopter, and then by serving up Crocodylus niloticus inflammabilis.

(Ah, well. I did this for Aatank, so I suppose I’m obliged to do it here: more on this film in Moments.)

The Tuxedo (2002)

New York taxi driver Jimmy Tong (Jackie Chan) earns a reputation for his ability to deliver any passenger anywhere on time. After demonstrating this one day to a woman named Steena (Debi Mazar), Jimmy is unexpectedly offered a much better paying job as chauffeur / valet to executive Clark Devlin (Jason Isaacs)—who is secretly a government operative. The job comes with a long list of rules, the first of which is that Jimmy should never speak to his boss; but Devlin takes a liking to him and replaces the rules with a single, serious prohibition: Jimmy must never touch his specially-designed tuxedo. One night, the car becomes the target of a mobile bomb and, despite Jimmy’s desperate efforts to out-run and evade the device, he and Devlin barely escape with their lives. The latter is critically injured, but manages to slip Jimmy a paper bearing the sketch of a certain insect and to mutter something about his tuxedo. Donning the latter, Jimmy discovers it to be a piece of extraordinary technology, capable of bestowing upon its wearer the physical capacity to do almost anything. Meanwhile, rookie operative Del Blaine (Jennifer Love Hewitt) is thrilled to get her first field assignment working with the celebrated Clark Devlin—but “Devlin” is nothing like she expected… The Tuxedo is, alas, all too typical of Jackie Chan’s American ventures—chiefly in its bewildering refusal to let Jackie be Jackie, most significantly with respect to the preponderance of special effects and wire-work that almost disguises the physical abilities we’re here to see in the first place. There is, in fact, a weird disconnect in those scenes that involve Jackie doing stuff that Jimmy isn’t supposed to be doing—if you follow me. And even if you can wrap your brain around that contradiction, the rest of this action-comedy is extremely messy. One particular annoyance is that Jason Isaacs and Debi Mazar are two of the best things about it—yet both effectively disappear after the set-up sequence. Story-wise, the film does that familiar action-movie thing where it is over-complicated yet nothing much really happens (again, if you follow me); though I suspect I got more out of it than most, with the bad guys’ Evil Scheme involving genetically-engineered bugs. And though some of the stunt driving, action scenes and sight gags do work, The Tuxedo also includes far too much slapstick for its own sake (and what the heck is up with the James Brown stuff??). As far as the plot goes, we have inexperienced Del Blaine and no-idea-what-he’s-doing Jimmy Tong teaming up to infiltrate the organisation fronted by Dietrich Banning (Ritchie Coster); and even this not-particularly-effective partnership falls apart when Del discovers Jimmy’s true identity, leading to her confiscating the tuxedo and attempting to convince Banning that she wants to change sides. Jimmy, meanwhile, discovers that Devlin thought enough of him to order him a second tuxedo of his own and, determined to prove himself, he returns to the fight against Banning’s attempt to contaminate the country’s drinking-water supply… If you don’t think about it too much – or about what you could be watching instead – The Tuxedo is mildly entertaining; certainly less of a disappointment than its follow-up (see below), though that may be damning it with faint praise. The film also stars Peter Stormare as Mad Scientist Dr Simms; there is a cameo from Colin Mochrie as a gallery owner; and Bob Balaban appears uncredited as the head of the intelligence organisation.

The Medallion (2003)

Hong Kong police officer Eddie Yang (Jackie Chan) is assigned to work with an Interpol squad led by Arthur Watson (Lee Evans), to try and take down international crime lord A. J. “Snakehead” Staut (Julian Sands). Snakehead is in Hong Kong searching for the manifestation of a legend: a child born with the ability to unite two halves of a mystical medallion, and so gain the ability to bestow certain powers and even immortality… The two quests collide at the temple that is the refuge of the boy, Jai (Alex Bao): Eddie succeeds in rescuing the child, but Snakehead escapes when he and his men set a fire. Some time later, Snakehead’s men succeed in capturing Jai, carrying him away to the crime lord’s retreat in Ireland. Eddie is sent to the UK where he reunites with a former flame, Interpol agent Nicole James (Claire Forlani), and is reluctantly partnered with Arthur Watson. Apprehending one of Snakehead’s men, Eddie learns that Jai is being held on a ship in Dublin Port. During the subsequent raid, Eddie finds Jai in a shipping container, but the two become trapped before the container is knocked off the ship into the harbour. As it fills with water, Eddie manages to create an air-filled refuge for Jai—but he himself is drowned. As Nicole and Watson grieve, Jai gains access to Eddie’s body and uses the medallion to raise him from the dead—with the bemused Eddie discovering that his resurrection has bestowed upon him many strange new abilities… Even more so than The Tuxedo, this follow-up production entirely misses the point of casting Jackie Chan in the first place: if you’re going to give your protagonist superpowers, why do you need Jackie Chan? The Medallion is a largely tiresome exercise in waste, a film made up of bits of other films so that it never needs to explain what’s happening, and with a bored Julian Sands cast merely so the viewer knows exactly what kind of villain to expect. And so on. The film eventually mutates into a buddy-comedy of sorts, with the initial antagonism of Eddie and Arthur Watson taking the predictable journey into respectful partnership—although if the film was going to go down that road, it needed to make Watson less of a blithering idiot in the first place. Once the story shifts to Ireland – and as with the earlier First Strike, it feels like the plot was dictated by the locations and not the other way around – it all becomes about Snakehead’s efforts to force Jai to make him immortal and give him superpowers. He succeeds, up to a point—with the film exploding into a mess of CGI and wire-work (et tu, Sammo?) as Eddie and Snakehead duke it out, and only a Dublin-set foot chase between Eddie / Jackie and Giscard / Johann Myers really giving us what we’re here for. One thing that can be said for The Medallion is that it never becomes the “cute kid” film it seems to be threatening at the outset, with the scenes involving Jai kept to a necessary minimum and of serious tone. Meanwhile, Claire Forlani has more chemistry with Jackie Chan than did Jennifer Love Hewitt in The Tuxedo but is given less to do, which is annoying. John Rhys-Davies appears as a senior Interpol officer; Anthony Wong is completely wasted (there’s that word again) as Snakehead’s assistant; and though Christy Chung’s one major scene is a highlight, her sudden transformation into Action Girl is another unexplained detail.

Lavender (2016)

In 1985, three members of a rural family are killed, leaving an injured young girl as the only survivor… Twenty-five years later, Jane Rutton (Abbie Cornish) is a professional photographer specialising in studies of abandoned farmhouses and other isolated properties. Jane’s focus upon her work is sometimes a cause of friction between herself and her husband, Alan (Diego Klattenhoff), who are going through a rough patch in their marriage, and strains Jane’s relationship with their young daughter, Alice (Lola Flanery). One day, Jane discovers an abandoned farm that obsesses her; as she photographs it, Alice wanders the fields beyond, where she begins to hear voices… Having forgotten to pick up Alice at school, Jane is speeding when she swerves to avoid a girl standing in the road and crashes her car. Her injuries are minor, but she emerges with no memory of Alan or Alice; while the physical examination reveals that she suffered severe head trauma as a child. When she confesses to a psychiatrist (Justin Long) that she has never had any memory of her childhood, he urges her to explore her past… Lavender is an intermittently interesting but finally disappointing mixture of psychological drama and low-key horror: one of those films that holds the interest as long as it is creating mysteries and raising questions, but falls apart when it starts to answer them. There is some good stuff here, including the use made of the Ontario countryside which manages to look normal and eerily unnatural at the same time; and some of the strange occurrences by which Jane is increasingly tormented create a real sense of unease. (Noting, as I see others have felt compelled to do, that the balloon incident precedes the remake of It.) However, the early stages of the film fail to convey that Jane’s memory lapses are a serious problem, and the plot ultimately turns on the family’s wholly unbelievable decision to move, temporarily, into the farmhouse where Jane’s family was slaughtered, which has sat unoccupied since under the distant care of her previously unknown uncle, Patrick Ryer (Dermot Mulroney). The choice is urged on Jane by her psychiatrist, whose persuading argument – “It couldn’t hurt” – is so jarringly improbable, it alerts the viewer to too much of what is actually going on. Likewise, the dark secret on which all this rests is far too easily predicted, again positioning the audience well ahead of the characters. Once the Ruttons are established at the farmhouse, the narrative of Lavender shifts, with the supernatural elements becoming more prominent as Jane tries to piece together what happened to her family, and what role she might have played in the tragedy—having learned along the way that, as the only survivor, she was also the only suspect… Though the performances are committed and the tone appropriately grave, overall Lavender doesn’t quite work. Though not a long film, it still takes too long to get where it’s going, and its blending of Jane’s real-life issues with the supernatural sometimes feels like its being done just to create more mystery, not solve anything. Also, this is one of those films that has so much play out in darkness, on transference to the small screen it is often difficult to be sure what is happening or even what character you’re looking at. Ultimately, however, the main problem here is the gaping hole in the narrative represented by Jane’s back-story, which suggests that no-one bothered to really investigate the triple tragedy at the narrative’s heart.

It Comes At Night (2017)

A sick old man is bid a tearful farewell by his family—before being carried out of their house, shot dead, and his body burned… Afterwards, Paul (Joel Edgerton), Sarah (Carmen Ejogo) and their teenage son, Travis (Kelvin Harrison Jr), retreat into their isolated, largely boarded-up woodland house where they have survived recent apocalyptic events. That night, the family is woken by the sounds of someone trying to break in. Arming himself and donning gloves and a gas-mask, Paul attacks and overpowers the intruder and drags him away from the house, finally leaving him tied up and bound to a tree. The following morning, the intruder, Will (Christopher Abbott), swears that he thought the house was deserted, and explains that he was seeking a water supply for his own family. He also swears that none of them are sick. After debating the situation, Paul and Sarah agree to invite the others into their house, so that the two families’ resources can be pooled. Once Kim (Riley Keough) and young Andrew (Griffin Robert Faulkner) have arrived, Paul spells out for the newcomers the strict rules by which the household is run, with which they and Will are expected to abide. At first the new company and the changes brought by their arrival are welcomed, particularly by Travis; but when things go wrong, deadly suspicion flares… I gather I may have been advantaged by coming to It Comes At Night late and cold: at the time of its release, the film garnered a lot of negative reaction on the back of a misleading ad campaign that used material from its dream sequences to suggest something like a full-on horror movie about rampaging zombies. But there is no “it”, as such. Instead, what writer-director Trey Edward Shults offers here is a low-key but disturbing rumination upon the behaviour of people under pressure and the price of survival—and at what point that price becomes too high to pay. This is a film that takes a lot of risks: the characters don’t fully understand how the world went to hell and can only act on the basis of their imperfect knowledge, including with respect to the deadly plague that is apparently the basis of this particular apocalypse. Overtly the film embraces the pernicious dictum that, when it comes to “family”, anything is justifiable; but an even darker agenda is at work, with the implications of the film’s jolting opening scene hanging over its later action. Paul never gets over his initial suspicions of Will – and perhaps correctly – and when a crisis hits within the house, it exposes the tinder-box beneath the apparent cooperation… There are some really good things in It Comes At Night, including the acting from the small cast—particularly Kelvin Harrison Jr, as Travis toggles between burgeoning adult and frightened child. However, the film’s deliberate obliqueness sometimes becomes frustrating. Necessarily, too, much of its action unfolds in the dark, and there is a lot of whispering and mumbling between the characters, so that the point is always in danger of being missed. Also, this is yet another post-apocalypse story that includes a dog chiefly so that something shitty can happen to it—so you’ve been warned.

Murder & Matrimony (2021)

Also known as: For Love Or Money. Attending the funeral of her parents, who were killed in a car accident, successful wedding planner Angie (Kristen Vaganos) is shocked to see that her estranged older brother, Michael (Benedict Mazurek), with whom the family had had no contact for a decade, is also there. Michael introduces Olivia (Maddison Bullock), his fiancée, and invites Angie to his house. Though wary, she accepts. There she meets Olivia’s best friends and future bridesmaids, Morgan (Triana Browne), Dani (Kaye Brownlee-France) and Brenda (Grace Montie). Michael expresses to Angie his remorse over his treatment of their parents and losing any chance to reconcile. Telling her he wants to fix their relationship, he abruptly suggests that she be the one to plan his and Olivia’s wedding. Olivia agrees but, once Angie has gone, berates Michael for forcing her hand. Brenda reminds Olivia of her promise of some heart pills for her much-older husband, Howard (Drew Pollock), which, though not yet FDA-approved, Olivia claims were greatly beneficial for the father of a friend. Olivia and her friends meet with Angie to discuss the wedding and, in spite of their doubts, are impressed by her. Joining them for a drink, Angie is disconcerted by their talk of money and catching rich husbands—and even more so when Olivia begins pressing her over her parents’ will… Even on the sliding scale of the Lifetime movie, Murder & Matrimony is a remarkably ludicrous effort. From its irritatingly twee opening intended to demonstrate what perfect partners Angie and her fiancé, Levi (Cody Bagshaw), are – the latter, being a Lifetime Good Guy^TM, has no discernible personality – to the behaviour of Mia (Heather Lynn Harris), Angie’s Sassy Black Friend^TM, who sticks her nose in once too often and – surprise! – gets whacked, to the concluding speech of the Secret Villain^TM – “I killed that person! And that person! And that person!! Oh, yeah, and—” – this is 90 minutes of sheer idiocy, in which not a single character behaves or talks in any recognisably normal way. As Olivia frets and schemes over how to get her hands on the money and property left by Angie and Michael’s parents, Angie herself begins to notice the bodies that seems to be piling up around her future sister-in-law—from her former sugar-daddy, who may or may not have accidentally fallen down stairs, to Howard Pollock, for whom those helpful pills were less than helpful. When, after accusing Olivia of, in effect, murdering Howard, Brenda is found dead in an apparent suicide, Angie tries to alert Michael to his danger, but her warnings fall on deaf ears. Furthermore, despite Angie’s discouragement, Mia gets the detective bug and continues to snoop into Olivia’s affairs—so we are not particularly surprised when her body turns up in an alleyway… Murder & Matrimony finally piles on so many idiotic twists that it’s worth sticking with just for the laughs; albeit doing so requires a high tolerance for bad writing and acting. For all the mayhem, though, my final takeaway here was Mia’s reaction to Brenda’s death: “Nobody decides to kill themselves while roasting a chicken.”

(You know what I’d like to see? A Lifetime movie about a woman of colour running a successful business, whose white subordinate / sidekick gets whacked. In 2024, is that really so much to ask?)